The Harbinger » JackiOh

Life is Pandemonium

JackiOh — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 13:00:41 +0000

So.

I have too much stuff going on to edit the Bing anymore. It makes me sad, but, don’t worry, the great writers of the Bing will live on!

Check out the front page of muchedumbre.com and read the carefully chosen words of EKG!

Check out girlontap.com and feast your eyes on the booze and food fest that is JackiOh and Woozxyl.

Check out muchedumbre.com/enigma and look at the beautifully shot photographs of MLG.

Check out skunkape here.

If any of the other writers have pages for our loyal readers to catch up with them, leave them in the comments.

I’ll miss the Bing and I wish all the great writers many successes.

Anyways, I need to get to planning the luau …bitches.

Chelada, Budweiser

JackiOh — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 13:00:40 +0000

I know, I know. It’s Budweiser. But, you know what? I have been DYING to try this beer, but I was afraid I wouldn’t like it enough to drink a whole six pack. I mean, it’s Budweiser and Clamato juice. I’ve never even had Clamato juice! So, when I was at Brewmaster school at Sea Whirl and it was one of my options, I jumped right on it.

When our beer teacher poured it into my glass, the beer was a cloudy red-y/orange, with a small head that quickly dissipated. I don’t have Bloody Marys very often, but when I do, they smell just like this beer. So does tomato soup.

Luckily, I love tomato soup.

Surprisingly, I also loved this beer.

It was salty, but not too salty. The beer taste cut the tomato taste just enough for it to be more than watery tomato soup. I didn’t get a clam taste from it at all. The carbonation is more fizzy than regualar beer, but it was fun and enjoyable with this “beer.”

Now, I wouldn’t drink it at the beach or in other normal beer situations, but it would be a perfect morning after breakfast beer.

Check out the menu my fellow girl on tap, Wooz created just for this unique beer!

I almost can’t wait to get hungover so I can drink it again!

4/5 pints

Schadenfruede

JackiOh — Sun, 11 May 2008 14:23:15 +0000

Taurus: Watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in!
Gemini: Fuck you lady, that’s what stairs are for!
Cancer: Exes getting STDs!
Leo: People taking pleasure in your pain!
Virgo: Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken.
Libra: Ain’t it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?
Scorpio: What’s that, some kinda Nazi word?
Sagittarius: We provide a vital service to society!
Capricorn: The world needs people like you and me who’ve been knocked around by fate.
Aquarius: Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy.
Pisces: Don’tcha feel all warm and cozy, watching people out in the rain?
Aries: When people see us, they don’t want to be us, and that makes them feel great.

Schadenfruede

Monty Python’s Holy Grail Ale, Black Sheep Brewery PLC

JackiOh — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:00:43 +0000

My very first Girl on Tap request came from Iceman over at muchedumbre! He requested that I hunt down and review Monty Python’s Holy Grail Ale. This was no easy task. I don’t live in a big metropolitan area, so my options for purchasing non-budweiser products are limited. My first stop was Petty’s Meat Market. Petty’s is a beer wonderland. Whenever I go in there, I feel like Veruca Salt in the golden geese room. “I want it, noooooow!” While I was unable to find the Holy Grail Ale, I did not walk out empty handed. I picked up a five gallon keg of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale for Medders’ upcoming birthday. I also ended up bringing home a sixer of lager from the Dixie Brewing Company. It was a good purchase, kinda tart/sweet. Definitely a chick beer.

My next stop was ye olde trusty ABC. It was my final option and it did not disappoint. I walked straight back to the beer section and there, with a florescent light shining on it like a spotlight, was the Holy Grail. Really! I almost expected to hear a chorus of angels. But I didn’t, so I just paid $5 for one bottle and made my way home.

In my impatient opinion, it took altogether too long for this beer to get to drinking temperature. The 500ml bottle allowed my husband to share the beer with me. I filled my glass to the top and he got the dregs of the bottle, which, to be fair, was a good half glass full. My almost overflowing glass still allowed for about an inch of foamy, off-white head. The head hung around for few minutes before dissipating, leaving thin lacing, which hugged the walls of the glass. Below the head, the beer was a golden red color, with no cloudiness.

The first smell that greeted my nose when I brought it closer was citrus-y malt. When I smelled a bit deeper, I caught some hops, but not too many, and maybe even a bit of honey. All in all, the aroma made me eager to take the first sip. Which is, I guess, what the aroma of the beer is supposed to do.

The lightness of the ale surprised me. The smoothness and sweetness, combined with a lack of overpowering hops made this beer one of the better ales I have experienced in the last few months. I particularly enjoyed the tart malt flavors, which were present more during the first few sips. One interesting thing that I noted was how the flavors came through separately at first. After the initial sips, all the flavors of the beer blended together, leaving me with a full, well rounded ale. Luckily, the beer had a tart aftertaste, as well, so I didn’t lose the tartiness that I so enjoy.

The only disappointing part of this beer were these two facts:

1. I gave the rest of the bottle to Medders.
2. I didn’t have another bottle.

Thanks for the suggestion, Ice!

4 out of 5 pints

Life Inside the Musicbox Ain’t Easy.

JackiOh — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:00:41 +0000

So.

Today is officially one week til recital. I’m giddy, but I’m not. Giddy because I love the dancing and performing and fake smiling. No, wait. I hate fake smiling. I hate fake at all. But, I do love the dancing and performing.

Sadly, this year, I feel that there is more non-giddy associated with the recital than giddy. Maybe I should make a list.

Giddy #1. I love to tap dance.
Non-Giddy #1. There are people dancing in our tap dance this year that say, “I HATE tap dancing. I can’t WAIT until this is over!” every class.

Giddy #2. I am absolutely in love with this modern dance we are doing. The music, the choreography, the feeeeeeling.
Non-Giddy #2. The costumes make us all look like fat, shapeless girls in nightgowns.

Giddy #3. One of the dances I was nervous about turned out amazing and fun and really cute and sassy.
Non-Giddy #3. I can’t remember what order the moves go in.

Giddy #4. There is a really cool group section in the modern dance.
Non-Giddy #4. I am stuck with the worst group member in the history. Seriously. This chick danced with us last year and I wanted to punch her then. I don’t even know why she came back. She acts like she doesn’t care. She doesn’t listen. All of her time is spent either picking at her nails or twirling her hair. She asks questions about things that the teacher just went over two seconds ago while she was checking herself out in the mirror. I think I may accidentally kick her.

Giddy #5. D turns 13 on the same day as the recital.
Non-Giddy #5. D will be dancing for about 13 hours on her birthday.

Giddy #6. Lots of people from our adult classes are doing solos. Me, included. Well, not a solo. But I AM doing a quartet with my daughter and my friend and her daughter. It’s hip hop. To Eminem. Yes, we are insane. But it is seriously, so damn cool. Different than anything else in the recital. And we’ve got it dowwwwwwwwwn. We are gonna be the whitest old lady hip hop-ers ever.
Non-Giddy #6. Some of the other solos are beautiful, but the people performing them still can’t remember the moves without the teacher doing them at the same time. It makes me have a nervous tummy for them. I hope they can pull ‘em off. Well, all of them except for one. I hope she sucks the big one.

Man, I am kinda mean.

So there is just a little sprinkling of the pros and cons of this dancing season. I’m sure everything will turn out wonderfully, despite all my worries. I am excited to dance, regardless.

If youse wanna come see me shake my ass, recital is next Sunday at noon. PM me for directions …bitches.

Putting on Airs

JackiOh — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 13:00:36 +0000

So.

I am sitting here in a grant writing seminar thingie. About half of the people attending are unemployed. Laid off, fired, stay a home moms, a variety. Most of them are sitting there with big scowls on their faces. I think maybe they thought this was goina be Mr. Question Mark Man running around hopped up on something, telling them/us how we can get free money from our government.

In reality, it’s being run by a silver haired retiree taking us step by step through the process of actually writing a grant. It’s kinda neat, but mostly boring. She does that old lady laugh through the teeth thing. That kinda creeps me out.

Anyways, last Wednesday, I worked a job fair for my complany. We aren’t really actively seeking new employees; we just kinda wanted to see what kind of people were out there. Maybe we’d even find someone to replace CMMF That’s really what I was mostly looking for.

Listen.

This job fair.

It was almost the saddest thing I have ever seen. The bulk of the job seekers were of retirement age. It was like my nana and papa were dropping off their resumes everywhere, because they just missed retirement and their social security didn’t provide enough for them to live on.

There were also some young people running around the job fair. Man, someone needs to start a business teaching recent grads and entry level job sekkers how to dress, speak and present themselve.

Step 1. Do not wear dirty, holey jeans.

Step 2. Do not wear a short, tight, showing-your-business skirt.

Step 3. Look people in the eyes.

Step 4. Don’t have a 19 page resume. (I swear to Patrick Bateman, we got one of these. WTF?)

Step 5. Know what kind of job you want.

And that’s just a start.

Now, lets talk about the saddest ever thing I saw at this job fair.

I got the chance to reconnect with people that I have worked with at previous jobs. I even saw some people who survived RonJon (Tongue-Fu, 2004) with me.

One of these people was a lady who I only slightly knew and kind of even looked up to. She was VP of Marketing and Procurement at one time and had been with her company since it’s inception. I was shocked when I saw her across the table from me at the job fair.

I made my pleasantries with her and she gave me her resume. Like I anticipated, it was impressive. Before I could even give it a once over, she began speaking.

“I’m gonna lay it all out on the table for you. I’m desperate. I’ll take absolutely anything you have. I’ll clean bathrooms, serve food, cut grass, whatever. Let me be straight with you. I’m desperate. My house is in foreclosure. I just want to make enough money to feed my daughter.”

It all came out in a rush, almost practiced sounding, as if she had given the same speech at each booth.

I wondered what on earth had happened that made her so terribly desperate. I mean, obviously, somehow she lost her job. But how? Why? I never got the chance to find out, because she scurried away almost as soon as she got there. I watched her flit from booth to booth, her eyes darting every which way, just emanating an air of desperation.

She actually came back to our table to drop off a “toned down” resume that we could use for a more menial job. She reminded us of her dire straits, “It’s been a year since I’ve had a job. Please, please, please, consider me for any openings you may have.”

A year.

On one hand, I felt sad for her.

On the other, I wondered how hard she tried to find a job, any job. Just something to help her avoid foreclosure or, at the very least, feed her daughter.

Or maybe the desperation act is not the most effective interviewing technique.

Who knows?

All I know is, I am very lucky to find this job when I did.

Best job ever …bitches.

Shoal Draft, Florida Beer Company

JackiOh — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 13:00:28 +0000

One of my favorite things to do on the weekends is to make the short trip up the road to Florida Beer Company and taste some beers. For free. Then, if I’m lucky, I’ll buy a case of beer and taste them at home too. To get beer straight from the brewery is a wonderful thing. Born on date b damned, this is the freshest beer I have ever had, not counting Medders’ home brew. By now, I have tasted all of their beers many times, save for one. The elusive Shoal Draft. It’s never on tap. They never have a bottle for me to taste from. I am always lacking the Shoal Draft. Imagine my surprise when it showed up in our Beer of the Month Club selection this month. My excitement could not be matched.

When the bottle was help up to the light, it was obvious that the beer was cloudy, which only increased my giddiness. The bottle was difficult for me to open, but, oddly, I find that to be true with a lot of the smaller breweries. Maybe it is because I am a chick or maybe it’s because if you have to work harder for it, you’ll appreciate it more. This beer was relatively easily appreciated.

When it was poured into the glass, there was an immediate head, which was a lovely, snowy white. As it was consumed, the beer left a nice lacing on the sides of the glass. The beer it self was a light golden color, and, like I had prediced, slightly cloudy. The aroma was slightly malty, with sharp hops on the nose and even a touch of pepper and banana.

The first taste of the Shoal Draft was pleasantly malty, but unpleasantly hoppy. Normally, it is difficult for me to tell which hops were used in a beer, unless the are cascade hops. The hops I tasted weren’t Cascade hops, because they didn’t taste like soap. However, they were quite overpowering on the first few sips. That sharp hop taste all bu disappeared as the glass emptied, though.

All in all, the beer was quite refreshing. The strong starting hops made it a good choice for hot weather and seafood. If you’re looking to drink this beer and cook something with it, check out my other Girl on Tap, The Greatful Gourmand.

3.75 out of 5 pints

Antsy Pants

JackiOh — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 13:00:04 +0000

Taurus: I am a vampire. I am a vampire. I am a vampire. I have lost my fangs.

Gemini: So I’m sad and I feel lonely.

Cancer: So I cry and I’m very angry.

Leo: And I eat some garlic.

Virgo: So I’m no more satanic. yeah yeah.

Libra: I am a vampire and I am looking in the city.

Scorpio: But the pretty girls don’t look at me.

Sagittarius: Don’t look at me.

Capricorn: Cause I don’t have my fangs.

Aquarius: But I have lost my fangs.

Pisces: I am a vampire. I am a vampire.

Aries: I have lost my mouth organ.

Privatbauerei Bischoff Doppelbock

JackiOh — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 13:00:21 +0000

I am still somewhat of a beer newbie. I’m still trying out all different types of beer and trying to figure out what it is that I really like. This means I get to try a lot of beer. Not a problem, really. Recently, I made a great beer discovery at our local brew pub. Doppelbocks. Yum. The first one I had was bold and slightly dark with lots of malt, both to smell and taste.

Needless to say, I was excited to see that a doppelbock was part of our beer of the month selection for March. I eagerly awaited it’s arrival, dying to replicate what I had at Charlie and Jakes. The one that came with the beer of the month club was from Privatbauerei Bischoff.

When I poured it it was distinctly lighter than the one I had previously, a copper penny color. There was a head upon intial pouring, but it didn’t last long at all. The lack of head probably explains the lack of aroma as well. The aroma was only present for as long as the head was full. What I did smell was promising, however, slightly grassy with some carmel and maltiness. I was most excited about the malt.

My first sip of it was disappointing. It was almost as if Budweiser decided it wanted to mass produce a dopplebock. It is really really bland. I guess that would be good for a true beer newbie, but I was looking for something with some flavor in it. While this beer was a bit sweet, it didn’t have the full, malty taste I was expecting. This beer was a dissapointment.

I guess now my quest is to find a good doppelbock for home consumption. Anyone got any suggestions? When I find the perfect doppelbock, I’d recommend some flavorful pork or a big, fat Mexican dinner.

2/5 Pints

A Pirate’s Life for Me

JackiOh — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 13:00:14 +0000

So.
This week, I’m gonna tell youse a fairy tale. Wanna hear it, here it goes…

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She was six years old and lived a charmed life with her mother. It was the two of them against the world. Rumour had it they thought they were invincible.

Apparently, they were.

The little girl’s grandmother worked for a cruise line. Her grandmother’s plum position afforded the little girl the opportunity to cruise for free twice a year. During one of the cruises, the little girl’s grandmother met the second love of her life. He held the position of head of security. Her grandmother’s plum relationship afforded the little girl to cruise whenever she wanted.

One of these cruises would not be like the others.

You see, the position of head of security gave the boyfriend chances to get his hands on stuff normal passengers would not. He traded some American Beer for some Mexican tequila in one port and some Mexican vanilla for some Bahamian hair braiding in another. The particular cruise, his trades left him with a whole case of high dollar rum. It was a wonderful predicament to be in.

However, there was one small problem.

How to get a case of rum off of a cruise ship, without getting caught by customs. The law stated that only two liters of alcohol can be taken into the US per person. This particular trip, the only adult leaving the ship was the little girl’s grandmother. A case of rum is 6 liters and, unfortunately, there were not three grandmothers.

The grandmother thought long and hard about what her options were. The day to depart the ship came and the little girl and her grandmother made their way down the gangway.

As she rolled her tiny Crayola emblazoned suitcase behind her, the little girl asked, “Nan, why is my suitcase so heavy?”

Shh, the grandma replied, as she made her way through customs.

“Anything to declare?” The agent asked.

The grandma shook her head, confidently.

The little girl did the same.

By the time they loaded the suitcases in the car, the little girl was finding it hard to pull her small Crayola suitcase behind her any longer.

When it was time to unpack, the little girl did not find her vacation clothes or her treasured doll.

She found six bottles of rum.

Her mother had no idea until this weekend when the grandmother told the story while laughing.

LAUGHING.

WTF …bitches.