So anyway, I figured it would be good for me to bring you guys some of the highlights.

Things started out as you might predict…

“As you all know we are here to discuss the recent events in Antarctica, clear evidence of global warming.”

“The Earth has natural cycles of warming and cooling. Over the past few years trends indicate a stabilization of the global temperature. Just because people like Al Gore say that man is the cause, there is no real evidence to support their claims.”

“A few years of stable temps…wow…you are brilliant.”

“WhatEVER…did you know that compact fluorescent bulbs are worse for the environment…cause they have like bad stuff inside them.”

“Yeah what he said, and for reals…ethanol is stupid…”

“People…we are stewards of this planet. Even if we don’t know all the why fors and howtos we should be doing anything we can to leave our children with something that isn’t all melty.”

“Yeah well us American’s are doing more than are fair share already.”

“I just want to say I am carbon neutral…”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Sorry…”

OK not really what I was expecting so far…but let’s see where it goes…

“You know it doesn’t really matter if the ice melts anyway cause it won’t cause any flooding. It might actually make the sea level go down because ice is denser than water.”“What the fuck?”

“What about the ice that is not in the water?”

“There is ice that isn’t in water? Oh…never mind then, I was just testing you guys.”

“You know we could test this with Jack and Coke…excuse me miss?! Can you bring me a Jack and Coke with ice?”

“Are you talking to me? I am not a fucking waitress…I am a fucking scientist you fucking bastard get your own fucking Jack and Coke…jesus!”

“People, People…we need to focus on the subject here. Ice melting and breaking off of Antarctica because of global warming.”

“There is no evidence that the ice is melting because of global warming!”

“Shut up retard we already dismissed your asinine assumptions!”

“Who are you calling retard, fagot? I will pound your fat ass into the ground.”

“Yeah pound his ass good, big boy…”

This is when I decided I should go before the whole thing deteriorating into a big old gay climascientist round table orgy or something…

Oh yeah and that chunk of ice thing…I had heard that Al Gore took a recent vacation to Antarctica where he was seen teaching penguins how to make ice carvings…

Seriously it is done, fin, ca put, dead…it has run its course. There is nowhere else to go with this whole thing. No I am not talking about this article per se. I am talking about the whole global warming thing…it’s over.

Of course, by extension that would mean that this article series is also over I will need to find something new to write about. This is no small task cause I have like ADD or something and will get board with stuff really easy. I did come with one idea though. As I sit here writing this article I am enjoying a nice frosty beverage, and I was thinking…”hey I could write beer reviews”. The thing is I am not a big beer drinking. In fact there are very few beers that I actually can even tolerate.

I think the problem may go back to my college days. In college I was poor, OK I am still kind of poor and yeah who isn’t poor when they are in college…anyway I was poor and learned a very important lesson from my roommate. See my roommate introduced me to the 40. For those of you who don’t know about “the 40″, I will splain. The 40 is a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor. Malt liquor is cheap. Malt liquor has a high alcohol content. In other words…at that time I could get wasted for $2. That’s right a 40 Olde English 800 and I was done. The thing is I didn’t like the taste…I am not sure anyone likes the taste, but I would usually drink a glass or two really really fast so that I could get that quick buzz and not care anymore. Glass? Oh yeah I meant plastic cup…not glass. And yes you have to drink it one cup at a time and keep the bottle in the fridge because once it gets warm you can’t drink it. Actually some of the hardcore brothers I rolled with back then could drink it warm, but I think they were perpetually drunk and didn’t even know it was warm.

Anyway, before I went to college I never really drank beer so my first real exposure to beer was malt liquor. So I am thinking that my issues that I have now with beer all go back to that time. See I didn’t follow the proper course of progression. I didn’t have a chance to develop a taste for beer like most kids. I don’t know the proper progression since I didn’t go through it, but I think most people start out with some kind of domestic regular beer often times the light version. Then move on to more interesting stuff as their taste matures or something. Since I kind of jump a few rungs on the ladder of beer it totally fucked up my taste buds or something…

So next week you can look forward to beer reviews for non-beer drinkers..I need to come up with a catchy title.

Oh yeah the reason I know that global warming is done….panties can’t get any smaller.

OK, heres the deal…I am spending fifty fucking dollars a week on gas. It is getting fucking ridiculous. Seriously I am going out of my mind every time I put gas in my car. OK technically it is a truck, well not really…it is kind of sort of a truck kind of sorta an SUV…whatever it is it isn’t a car. It is nice cause I can haul stuff. I realize that you chicks can’t understand how important it is to be able to haul stuff, but trust me it is. In the last month I have hauled stuff at least twice. Stuff that would have cost me money to have someone else haul or cost me to rent a truck or something. The point is I do haul stuff so having a truck is good for me. The thing is my vehicle is also the one that we use for the family car cause my wife’s vehicle is old and kind of small and generally I just hate driving it. I tried to get her a new car that was big enough for us all to travel in then I could just get a small truck, but she likes her piece of shit car and wants to keep it till it falls apart, which could be sooner than later….but I digress.

So anyway…I need a truck, or a vehicle with close to truck like cargo capabilities, that can haul three people and two dogs comfortably on a 10-11 hour drive. Except that now I have to add another fucking variable to the mix…it needs to get better than 15-20 miles per gallon, ideally closer to 30 or better. So I start pounding on the car websites looking at the trucks, compact trucks, SUV’s, mid-size SUV’s, even compact SUV’s. I was getting pretty frustrated cause nothing was falling into place. Everything I liked was falling into pretty much the same MPG range that I am getting now, or it was grossly underpowered.

So…I am ashamed to admit…I went there. They fucking sucked me in…I clicked the fucking link. That’s right, I started looking at the mother fucking hybrids. There I said it. So I can get this SUV with the hybrid and get 30+ MPG…OK neat. The thing is they are small. Maybe I can work around that cause the mileage sounds really good right. So I dig in and start researching…and the more I look the more I wonder what the fuck I am doing. At one point as I am digging through autoblogs and greenshitblogs and the blahblahblahblog sites, I run across three little letters…TDI.

TDI?

Tee Dee Eye?

What is this TDI…50 MPG you say? Faster than the gas model. What type of hybrid voodoo is this? I must know someone please tell me. Where does this magic come from?

OH!!!! It comes from Germany! I should have known it was those kraut fucks.

So you want to know what this magic that is TDI is?

Turbocharged Direct Injection…diesel. Motherfucking diesel…

Anyway the video is about two guys debating global warming. The one guy thinks that the whole world is going to go to shit, the other guy is wearing a funny hat. Anyway so the first guy says something along the lines of “we can’t prove that there is global warming, but it is fun to make videos on the tubes”. The other guy then blew up a balloon…no not like that…he explodeded it. Then the first guy said something about Risk. I am not sure what boardgames have to do with anything, but according to the internets this guy is an expert. The thing is from what I can tell he is an expert in photoshop, so I am not sure how that qualifies him to talk about global warming or Risk for that matter…but on the internets an expert is an expert.

So the photoshop expert says the answer to global warming is to draw a grid on the white board and write X’s and O’s in the boxes. Again I am not sure what tic-tac-toe has to do with anything. Oh yeah this guy is addicted to energy drinks…I mean he has a serious problem. It does explain why he is bouncing all over the place like a coke head though.

Oh yeah the other guy, the one with the funny hat, he is just blowing stuff up…no not that kind of blowing up, like exploding stuff. I think he could be a retarded pyromaniac or something…no offense to my retarded readers, but really you have to see the guys hat…

OK let’s review what we have learned so far. If we play Risk and tic-tac-toe and blow up some shit we can fix global warming. OK, but I know what you are saying…there is no global warming so why bother? Well he said we have to bother because Nas and some other rapper that I have never heard of said we should worry. Rappers as GW experts? Oy vey! Oh yeah and he said that we shouldn’t call it global warming, we should be calling it…how did he say it…something like “bend over and kiss our asses good bye”…no wait it was “global fucked up climate shit”. Yeah I think that was it.

So according to the photoshop expert, GFUCS could be a real big problem one day so you should write to your congressman and tell him about Risk..and tic-tac-toe…or something like that.

OK quick review. The word is that we gots the global warmings. The global warmings are from some kind of gas going up in there and making the shit hot or something. Something about this has to do with cars and petroleum based fuels or something. I had all this shit written down one time cause there is only so much room in my head to remember stuff. Unfortunately it seems that the information about where I wrote down the other information about the information that i need in order to find that information…wait. Shit, bottom line I forget.

Anyway, the answer, the magic bullet the end all be all cure was supposed to be corn. Well not just corn, but corn is the main thing cause we already grow a fuck load of it or something. There is also all the shit about subsidies and conspiracies and high fructose corn syrup. Man that shit is in everything…no seriously it is in everything…someone told me one time it was in hamburgers. The fucked up part is that this stuff is supposed to be toxic or something…well that is what someone once told me, but the same person told me that hemp could solve any problem. I asked him how that would work and he said “I don’t know man I ain’t no fucking science dude…you wanna hit this…I just know that like hemp is the perfect plant and shit man.” So if it is toxic I am not sure how they can get away with putting it in everything, but I think I have seriously digressed so this brings us to the part where I try to figure out where I was supposed to be going and then try to get back there. I realize that I do this every time, but it isn’t my fault cause I have ADD or ADAHDA or uhm…

Anyway as I was saying corn. I really only like corn straight of the cob for some reason. Canned, frozen not so much…no that’s not right, well I mean that is right, but it isn’t what I am supposed to be writing. The corn bullet! That’s right.

Corn, well not really corn, but gasoline made from corn and or some other kind of crop was going to fix global warming. I am not sure how exactly. I guess if I understood how the regular gas was causing global warming I could maybe understand how corn gas was supposed to stop it, but I don’t so I can’t. Well anyway, they fucked it up. According to some pocket protector wearing nerd fuck decided the corn gas is actually worser for the environment than the gas gas or something. I seem to have misplaced the link to the article I was reading, so I can’t tell you how he came to his decision, but I can tell you that it has the hippies freaking the fuck out. Someone commenting on the problem pointed out that the only “safe” energy sources are solar and wind.

That might explain that youtubes video of the hippie trying to strap a wind turbine to his prius…

OK, I have a great example. Ever heard of a rave party? Of course you have, but back in what was it, late 80’s or early 90’s you didn’t know shit about rave parties unless you where a raver. When people started the whole rave thing it was way the fuck underground. Oddly enough the parties where fucking huge, like thousands of kids dancing their asses of for hours on end in some abandoned warehouse or a huge field in the middle of no where. Fucking glow sticks and techno. The thing is you had to be in the know to know, then around the mid 90’s or so it started to break out. Raves started showing up in the main stream, then they went to hell. In the early days it was just a fun party with good music, but as the popularity grew shit started to go wrong. Most notably the drugs. Drugs are the one thing that really fucked over the raves, but I am getting off track.

Fuck I am way off track aren’t I…OK where was I trying to go anyway.

OH yeah…oil.

I don’t know when it happened but some hippie freak had a great idea. I know it is hard to believe but it did happen. I figure he must have been tripping on acid or something, cause I don’t how the fuck anyone would think it was a good idea to dump dirty vegetable oil in his fuel tank and see it would work, but sure enough it did fucking work. In fact it works great. Slow doneMcFly , it works, but it only works in diesel engine so if you dump that shit in your gas tank and fuck shit up don’t blame me. Anyway so the hippie tells his buddies and they all go around to the fast food joints and start picking up the used fryer oil and dumping it in their Volkswagens. Free fuel..yay! And the fast food joints, they were loving it cause they didn’t have to pay anyone to haul of the funky fryer oil. There are a few downsides of course. The big one is that the veggie oil tends to get allglobbed up (yes globbed) when it gets cold. The solution is pretty simple, you just have to run the car on the “petro” until things get warmed up enough to unglob (yes unglob ) the veggie oil. I think I heard something about electric heaters or some shit too. I might have some of these details mixed up, but I think I got a pretty good handle on the basics.

Well lately this free fuel thing has grown some serious legs and just like the raves got fucked by going mainstream…the free fuel train is about to get fucked right up the ass. Like they say all free rides eventually come to an end, and it looks like the end is near for the free veggie oil train. I am not sure where I heard this, but what I had heard was that someone figured out that the used oil was becoming a commodity and stopped letting the hippies have it for free…”corporate policy prohibits us from allowing you to haul off our trash cause they figured out they might be able to sell it one day.”

It would almost be funny if I wasn’t looking around for a used diesel to dump veggie oil into…

OH Yeah!

I heard about some propaganda movie that was trying to make us believe that part of the whole global warming thing is going to be some kind of an ice age. I for the life of me can’t figure how that is supposed to work. The really fucked up part is that the ice age is supposed to happen like in the blink of an eye. Like one minute things are fine and the next minute you have helicopters falling out of the fucking sky cause all of the fluids froze up…instantly. Who the fuck comes up with this shit anyway? I am going to go out on a limb and say that these movie writers never watch myth busters. I guess maybe it is better if they don’t.

Can you imagine the next action movie script that is “Myth Buster approved”? Not that there is really anything like “Myth Buster Approved.” I am just saying if they wrote a movie that was scientifically sound it would prolly suck. Mostly cause all of the heroes would be dead in the first 10 minutes. Or however long it would take them to get to the first gun fight, car chase, etc. I guess it could be one of those never-ending revenge flicks…hero one dies, hero two avenges his death and dies, hero three avenges hero two’s death and on and on and on…

Wait where the fuck was I going with this…let’s see. I covered that I am writing this when it was actually still cold here, I covered the “it’s too cold for there to be global warming” bit, I linked that to that movie…where was I going to go from there…shit. I don’t think I have a way out of this, and now that I think about I think I might have done the too cold for GW thing before. Crap, I guess I need to start over, the problem is I don’t have anything else and this article is due tonight…I mean next Friday. There was something about scientist finding a way to turn CO2 into a fuel or something, but I didn’t read it…oh well fuck it, maybe next issue.

Try this…walk out side and look up at the sky…do you see a hole in the sky. No of course you don’t cause you can’t fucking see ozone, it is clear and shit, but try explaining that to Joe and Jane Merican, but you tell Joe that it is hotter than it was last year and he is gonna say “ya know sumin, it do feel hotter”…see tactile. Of course Joe has no fucking idea if it is hotter or not, but he sure as fuck thinks he knows it is hotter and the next you know the stupid fuck is driving a fucking Prius.

Anyway…the thing is as far as I know there is still a big fucking hole in the ozone layer, and I am pretty fucking sure that it is still the real problem…if there really is a problem. In fact all of the “symptoms” that are being attributed to GW are really caused by the hole in the ozone. This is actually pretty easy to prove…no really. OK I guess I should say “easy”, as in relative to how easily you can prove anything that relates to this whole global warming bull shit, but I digress…

Proof!

The hippies say we need to worry about global warming cause the ice cap is melting right? By the way would it really be all that bad if we had some melting ice…I think it would be nice to live a little closer to the ocean. Well where is the ice cap anyway…the ice cap is up there North of Canadia right? And…where is there a hole in the ozone? Exactly North of Canadia! Proof that the ozone thing is the cause of “global warming”.

Oh and it gets better!

Once I made this discovery I commissioned some research. Yeah I have been working on this theory for a while now and the data has finally come in. The fucked up thing the fucking hippies may have been onto something. The problem is with emissions, but there is no fucking way for the junk coming out of our stacks here to get to the area where we have the hole. So how are emissions fucking with the ozone you ask…

Well our data indicates that there is a huge, I mean seriously fucking huge, factory smack fucking dab right under the fucking hole. OK the truth is we can’t find the fucking factory yet, but based on the data we have collected, there is something there fucking polluting the fuck out of the whole fucking north pole region. Based on the amount of pollution this place is putting out it should be as big as fucking New York City, but the fuckers can’t seem to find it. Every time they think they have found it…nothing…if I didn’t know any better I would say it is fucking magic or something…