Sports became an integral part of my life when I was about four years old and living just outside Boston. The Red Sox and Celtics drew me in a few years before the Patriots did. I played pee-wee league baseball and “Biddy Basketball” at the Jewish Community Center, where they organized an outing to the hallowed Boston Garden. I don’t remember much about the game itself, just the bus ride there and our seats being very high up in the rafters. Still, the thrill of being at a live basketball game was quite a huge one for me. I followed the Celtics through the late 70s and the Bird Era of the 80s even though my family moved down to Orlando in April of 1978.

When I first heard rumblings of Orlando being chosen as one of the expansion sights for the NBA, I could hardly believe it. This was a city that had no football (unless you counted the USFL Renegades, which nobody did), poorly-attended spring training baseball games at the rickety old Tinker Field, and no support for the local college team. Still, Pat Williams and his cronies managed to talk David Stern into allowing Orlando the chance to start an NBA franchise. I remember being initially disappointed that the name “Magic” was chosen, but I had no better suggestion. The team came along when the NBA was on the verge of losing the momentum that Larry Bird and Magic Johnson (and their respective championship teams that dominated the 80s) had brought. Luckily, this momentum was about to soar to new heights thanks to a gambling misogynist nicknamed “Air Jordan.”

The Magic held their first summer camp at the UCF gym. I remember going there and seeing some NBA luminaries like Mike Fratello in the stands and watching some familiar players on the court. I was a little conflicted about my allegiance to the Celtics, as that was the team I had grown up rooting for. The first time the Magic hosted the Celtics at the Orlando Arena, I remember going to the game with a Magic t-shirt and Celtics shorts. I was a confused and fashion-challenged young man. That first Magical season won me over in a huge way, especially when the Magic beat the Jordan-led Chicago Bulls at home for one of its only major victories at the Orlando Arena. I could feel my Boston loyalty shifting Orlando’s way.

Through the years, I’ve supported the Magic through thick and thin. I’ve seen great teams like the Shaq/Penny squad that reached the NBA Finals in the mid-90s and horrible teams like the one we put on the floor the year after T-Mac got traded. I’ve seen fan support at its highs and lows. I’ve been lucky enough to broadcast my radio show live from a few games, blessed enough to join the Magic broadcast team of David Steele and Matt Guokas for a quarter (last year against San Antonio), and even act as MC of one of the greatest NBA games I’ve ever seen (this year’s last-second victory over the visiting Boston Celtics). Through all of this, I’ve wanted more than just about anything else to be employed by the team in any capacity. Point guard, shooting guard, broadcaster, janitor, anything would be an acceptable position just so I can say I work for my favorite NBA franchise.

Lo and behold, I start Monday. I am a ticket sales representative, which basically means it’s my job to get people to share my excitement about this year’s team…to the point where they’ll be willing to buy some tickets. I’m quite fortunate because there are but a handful of home games left and the team is doing exceptionally this season. This just might be the year we advance past the first round of the NBA Playoffs, something the Magic has failed to do for quite some time.

I’ve long been told by those who know me that I would do well as a salesman. While this career option never repulsed me, I knew I couldn’t do it very well unless I believed in the product I was selling. That’s why this is the perfect opportunity for me to get my beak wet in the area of sales. I am a huge Magic fan and supporter and I love going to games, so if I can’t sell people on that then indeed I will be a poor salesman and should think about washing dishes for a living. If you haven’t been to a game in a while, I implore you to do so. Not just to help me out, but to experience all that the NBA game night has to offer. There are some very affordable options on 4-and-5-game plans…holler at me and I’ll let you know about them!

For so many years, I couldn’t see myself doing anything but radio for a job. I closed my eyes to almost all other options simply because I loved being behind a microphone. It was relatively easy, almost always fun, and more than a little lucrative. Now, after working for the two biggest radio corporations in the USA, I can honestly say I’m done with radio…at least for now. This chance to get even more Central Floridians excited about the Orlando Magic is a great one for me. I hope it’s also a fantastic opportunity for you to get down to the Amway Arena and get into some Magic Basketball!

I was first exposed to Dim Sum in New York City’s Chinatown. My paternal grandparents, may they rest in peace, made their home in Larchmont, NY. We would visit them a few times a year, first from our home in Framingham, Massachusetts, then from our Orlando residence. Each and every time we came a-calling, they would take us into Manhattan so we could breathe in all the five boroughs had to offer. This included frequent trips to the Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, Broadway, Little Italy, and Chinatown.

One of my most vivid memories of Chinatown was how many people seemed to pack its narrow streets. Even at my vertically-challenged stature (read “short”), I was aghast at the barely-dead chickens hanging from clotheslines in front of some of the markets. We would always stop for lunch at the same restaurant which featured family-style dining. Instead of getting our own table, we would instead have to share a table with complete strangers. These strangers were rarely, if ever, of the round-eyed variety and seemed to take simultaneous delight and horror at the obnoxious Italian family that invaded their Dim Sum space.

Traditional Dim Sum entails push-cart service rather than ordering from a menu. These carts are wheeled from table-to-table where diners pick and choose from myriad culinary delights. Just about the only offering we Garabos refused were the chicken feet. Instead, we enthusiastically gorged ourselves on shrimp dumplings, steamed pork buns, rice noodles, sticky rice, and just about every other dish the carts could hold. Back then, rather than mark down on your check what you ordered (as they do today), instead the restaurant workers would count the number of plates on your table and charge you accordingly. The whole experience was something magical, mystical, and most of all…delicious.

A few years back, my dad excitedly called me and told me that he found a place that served traditional Dim Sum right here in Orlando! I’m sure you’ve driven by Chan’s on East Colonial a few hundred times. It’s between Ferncreek and Bumby on the North side of Highway 50. The good news is that their food is quite tasty. They offer all the traditional delights of Dim Sum, from the aforementioned dumplings and buns to shrimp paste noodles, tarot root dumplings, and custard buns for dessert. So, what’s the bad news? I know it shouldn’t come as a big surprise in a Chinese restaurant, but they’ve got a bit of a roach problem.

Okay, that’s putting it lightly. If there are 100 roaches hiding for every one that’s visible, then I shudder to think about what’s back in the kitchen at Chan’s. My wife, Angie, and I used to go there for lunch about every two weeks. On one of our final visits, something compelled me to look up at the ceiling above our table. There, I saw an acrobatic cockroach clinging to the ceiling by one or two legs. It was as if he was trying to perform some sort of Cirque-De-Soleil type maneuver for our enjoyment. While impressive, it was a bit unsettling to think about what would happen if he lost his filthy grip and plummeted to our table below. Having worked in restaurants for a great deal of my life, I explained to Angie that roaches are unfortunately inevitable, kind of like those annoying posts on the board from Howey and Evil Eye. They’re repulsive, unnecessary, and nobody likes them…but they’re here to stay.

On a subsequent visit we saw a different cockroach losing a battle for its life on the floor. At least, I’m pretty sure it was a different one. He was on his back and doing that repulsive flailing of the legs thing that roaches seem to do before perishing. We saw one of the servers kick the little bastard to a corner of the restaurant after stepping over it a few times, where it was out of our sight but certainly not out of our minds. That was just about the last time we went to Chan’s.

Not having Dim Sum in my life is a depressing thing, so I was elated to see a banner hanging outside a Vietnamese (?) establishment between Mills and Hyer on East Colonial Drive. Upon closer inspection, I saw that the previously Vietnamese establishment had been converted to “Asian Garden Bistro” or something to that effect. The banner proudly proclaimed that one could find DIM SUM inside! Huzzah! As fate would have it, my dad’s birthday was approaching. Frank Garabo’s love for Dim Sum rivals, if not surpasses, my own. However, this is daunted by his lack of willingness to try new restaurants. It took some prodding and convincing, but finally we agreed to meet there last weekend to celebrate my dad’s 63rd year on the planet.

The food was good, perhaps even made great by the fact that we saw no bugs of any kind inside the place. The manager hovered around our table the entire time, undoubtedly thrilled by the prospect of new business. Everything was fantastic and we surrendered to our gluttonous urges. Even so, the bill totaled around fifty bucks for the four of us. Five if you count Xander but Dim Sum definitely isn’t his cup of hot tea. The only dish that Chan’s has that the new place lacks is shrimp balls. Big fried balls of shrimp. I love them, but I will happily sacrifice balls for a cockroach-free environment.

So, get out there and try something new. If you have never dived into the pool of Dim Sum, bring a hearty appetite and don’t be afraid to try new things. If you know of another establishment serving Dim Sum in the 407, please feel free to call it to my attention. They used to have it at the beautiful Jade Garden on I-Drive, but for some reason they ceased the cart service and now offer Dim Sum dishes off the menu. I don’t know why, but to me that’s an unacceptable substitute. I don’t need to sit at a table of occidental strangers who gaze at me and my family in amazement, but I do require those carts to be wheeled around so I may pick and choose from the food in front of me. Just be forewarned…there will occasionally be a bit of a translation problem. My dad, who is a tad hard-of-hearing to begin with, got befuddled when he thought the server was telling him something went well with “winning.”

After a few tense moments, we realized that the server was attempting to say “vinegar.” Lost in translation indeed.

I don’t know why gay men, both closeted and out, have infested our Central Florida parks. One would think that should a gay man want to find another gay man for some gay man love, he would follow the traditional path of the internet. Chat rooms and websites abound for those into same-sex love. Perhaps these men get some sort of arousal out of looking for love in a place that is traditionally used by straight families. Whatever the reason, it sickens me both as a parent and as a relatively-decent human being. I am all for people finding love and sex in appropriate venues, but the thought of accidentally stumbling upon two gay men in a state of fellatio or sodomy both sickens and angers me.

I have been taking my son to the Seminole and Orange County parks since he was born. I can honestly say that I have never witnessed any illicit behavior by heterosexuals or homosexuals save for a few straight couples who put their dignity aside in favor of some inappropriate public displays of affection. Every time I read a news story about another private citizen or public official busted for “cruising,” I shake my head and wonder why these guys can’t simply go to a gay bar or hit the chat rooms. I find myself growing increasingly vigilant while at the various parks we frequent. I’m not a huge fan of talking to strangers in general, even fellow parents. Too many strangers strike up conversations with me, thinking we share some bond simply because we both got our sperm to fertilize an egg. We don’t. No offense, but I don’t give a shit about your kid and his or her gymnastic class.

Still, it’s going to take a community of parents who are fed-up with the gay cruisers who have poisoned the public image of the parks if we’re going to get our kids back in shape. I find myself looking around at the playground equipment, benches, and baseball fields and thinking “how can this place be less gay-friendly?” I don’t know the answer. Pumping in hair-metal music might not be a bad idea. Staying away from loud and vibrant colors might work. The best remedy, in my opinion, is a vigilant and aware group of parents who are willing to confront each and every single male above the age of 18 who appears to be lurking around the park in an attempt to get some butt-love. I fully realize how homophobic this article may appear, but I can no longer tolerate our wonderful Central Florida parks being used as some ersatz replacement for a gay bar.

Just as a favor to you parents who might share my mindset, the following parks are ones in which I have never knowingly seen any gay cruising: Westmonte, Eastmonte, Hermit’s Trail, Lake Eola, Greenwood Lakes, and Warren Park. I’m not saying that these locales are completely devoid of illicit and/or immoral activity, I’m just saying that I’ve never seen it. Other than the obligatory desperate single dads who try to make a move on the wary single moms, these parks seem to be safe havens for you to get your kid to run around and burn some calories. If you see me there, please feel free to leave me the fuck alone…unless, of course, you need my help in running off some of the cruisers.

I’ve recently rekindled my love for all things Disney, due in no small part to my parents’ generosity. For Chrismannukah, they were kind enough to bestow upon us three annual passes to all the Disney parks here in Central Florida. I don’t know how these two retirees were able to afford such a gift, but I suspect my sister’s inheritance took quite a sizeable hit. As my son is approaching his fifth birthday, this is the perfect time to expose him to the Magic that Walt Disney dreamt up so many decades ago. I made my first visit to the Magic Kingdom in 1971, the year the park opened. I remember very little except for being so tired when the day was done that I fell asleep on the tram ride back to our Buick station wagon.

In those early days, you paid a small price to get into the parks and then purchased tickets for each ride. The less-thrilling rides bore an “A” or “B” designation, while the cream of the crop were deemed “E” tickets. My parents, frugal types they, tried to get us to forgo the Grand Prix Raceway (now something related to Buzz Lightyear) and the Haunted Mansion in favor of the Swiss Family Treehouse and the Tiki Gardens (“let’s all sing like the birrrrdies sing…”). It didn’t work. To balance this expense, my mom would pack us lunch and sneak it into the park. This is still an effective way to avoid the huge hit to the wallet or pocketbook you will experience should you have to buy lunch and/or dinner at the parks. Just beware the guards outside each park’s entrance who search your bags, allegedly looking for weapons of mass destruction but more than happy to force you to toss your illicit sandwiches in the trash before entering.

So, you’ve paid your 11 bucks to park (unless you know a few secrets…but I’m not telling those) and 70-something bucks to enter, and now you have no food. You’re hungry. What can you do about it without breaking the bank? Well, for starters, I have to recommend finding a “turkey” leg stand. I put the word turkey in quotes because I’m still not 100% certain it’s not emu or something even less savory. It’ll only set you back 6 bucks or so unless you require beverage accompaniment. Dining at the “grab-and-go” stands rather than a sit-down establishment will save you some serious coin. Sure, you’ll have to grab a bench and bear the mocking looks of passers-by, but who cares? You’ll have the personal satisfaction of knowing you saved a few pesos.

Oh, but the family is whining. Is there anywhere you can sit down and eat without losing your shirt in the process? Short answer: yes. Long answer: Not really, but if you comparison-shop you will indeed save yourself some money and aggravation. I’ve found a few gems that actually offer up some tasty morsels that won’t break the bank. If you’re at the Disney Hollywood Studios, formerly MGM, head to the “Studio Catering” place that’s next to the Bug’s Life kids’ playground. The kid in your group will love the mac-and-cheese. If you’re health-conscious…oh, wait. I’ve seen you fat fucks. Never mind. Well, on second thought, you could use a little help so try the chicken. It won’t kill you to eat one meal without carb-loading.

At the Magic Kingdom, you’ll find there is virtually no way to balance eating healthy with eating cheap. Anything even remotely not-bad-for-you is going to set you back a small fortune. You’ll have no problem following my advice, I’m sure, and just grab a hot dog from a cart and keep walking. The food is actually quite good at the place that used to be called the Tomorrowland Terrace (just across from the aforementioned Buzz Lightyear race cars), but it sure ain’t cheap. The good news: you’ll burn most of the calories off with all the walking you’ll engage in.

Now, there are minefields just waiting to explode and drain your bank account. Here’s what to avoid: any of the countries in EPCOT. The food is passable, great by Disney standards, but definitely not worth what you’re going to pay. Whether it’s France, Japan, Italy, or even Norway or Mexico…stay away from the food! Same goes for the Rainforest Café located just outside Animal Kingdom’s main entrance. Just this past weekend, lunch set the three of us back 70 bucks with tip (no alcohol either)! You will feel the unavoidable pressure to order the lame-ass Volcano dessert, a sundae that isn’t even worth half of the steep 13-dollar price tag. While we’re at Animal Kingdom, don’t fall prey to the African Restaurants at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. I’m sure the food is good, but do you really need to pay a hundred bucks to eat warthog? I didn’t think so.

For the love of Mickey, STAY AWAY FROM THE HOTELS. The food can be spectacular, especially at Victoria and Albert’s at the Grand Floridian or the California Grill at the Contemporary, but you will pay out the ass for it! If you feel compelled to at least try it, do so on a day when you haven’t already spent a few hundred bucks just to get into the parks and let them watch your vehicle for a few hours. In fact, when your cousins from Detroit come a callin’, just have them stay at one of the Disney hotels and meet them for lunch. Then, make up some bogus excuse why you can’t go into the parks with them and skip to your car with the satisfaction of saving so much money! Oh, you won’t be able to ride Splash Mountain, or the Rock-and-Roller Coaster, or even the newly renovated Haunted Mansion…but think of the nest egg you’ve helped to build in the process. Happy to help!