The Harbinger

In case you idiots didn’t know, I am Jewish. So my article will be kurtz this week. I have to onzindn the menorah and pregln some fucking latkes and shit.

I bet you whities are like, what has this crazy bitch been smoking? I am celebrating Hanukkah and am too lit on Manischewitz to write this crap in English completely. Since I don’t know and, more importantly, don’t care which ones of you fucking bored members are Jewish, I’m prentending you don’t exist. But, I am gonna give you a run down of some of the most interesting fucking Jewish celebrities.

Here you go:

Amanda Bynes: Way fucking hotter than that loser Heroes chick. Way more talented, too. It’s a goddamned shame she is not into chicks.

Jake Gyllenhall: So fucking gay. I wish he’d come out of the damn closet already.

Daniel Radcliffe: Holy shit. Harry Potter is Jewish. Maybe that’s why the Christians hate the movies.

Tori Spelling: Who knew the Torah approved of sleeping with a co-worker while married?

Elizabeth Berkley: Fuck me. Do you think that was kosher pork in Showgirls?

This shit is boring as a bad fuck, so I’ll stop. But before I get back to my crappy kosher wine, I’m gonna let you in on some things that surprised me about the Jewish celebrities.

• Half of the fucking Disney Channel is Jewish.
• To be a cast member on Saturday Night Live, you must hold a Jew card.
• At least 95% of the “Friends” were Jews.
• 90210, too.
• Ditto, Roseanne
• Seinfeld
• Curb Your Enthusiasm
• Married With FUCKING Children

Jesus fuck. This country really is run by Jews.

Tawny Pirkicone is
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