The Harbinger

I met with Kazzy at a little coffee shop in downtown Orlando, mid-morning on a Tuesday. It had been raining and Kazzy was waiting in a back booth when I arrived, smiling broadly at me when our eyes met. A hand towel and two cups of coffee already on the table, my coffee already sweetened to my liking. (How did Kazzy know, I wondered?) Kazzy is wearing a pretty, blue, long-sleeved, henley-style t-shirt and appears taller than I expected. I scootched in across the table and, drying myself with the hand towel, took out my notebook and recorder, and began.

ekg: Hello! Finally, after spanking lilmike together so many times (and even sometimes on the bored), we meet!

Kazzy: I’ve been waiting for it! I hope you don’t mind that I ordered for us both. Do you like grits and eggs?

ekg: It’s my favorite! Thanks.

Kazzy: You’re welcome. Those are really cool shoes. Are they comfortable, too?

ekg: Yes, they are. Glad you like them. Thanks.

Kazzy: You’re welcome.

ekg: So, you ousted Howey as Mod, Do you attribute that coup to your statistic-finding ability or was it just good trolling?

Kazzy: Going right to the hot topic, huh? OK, I understand.

Although I have gotten literally hundreds of cards, letters, and gifts from people who think that I was responsible for the Great Mod Coup of ‘07, I can’t take any of the credit. The events that led up to the coup were in place and ordained long before my birth by our Lord and Master, to whom all glory goes (at this point Kazzy kisses two fingers and points to the sky).

ekg: Jeezus?

Kazzy: -crowd-.

ekg: I see. Good point! What is your favorite Mod feature so far?

Kazzy: Ignoring the e-mails. Hmm, I guess that would be more of a perk than a feature, though.

ekg: Do you think editing “she who can’t be named” name out will bring Russ back to the board??

Kazzy: The job has nothing to do with bringing anybody to the board, specifically. As the L&M decreed at the beginning of time, “Russ is priority ‘Z.’”

ekg: She who can’t be named? Come on…really?

Kazzy: I’m not sure that I understand the question. Can you restate it for me? I really like your top, by the way. I had no idea you were this pretty.

ekg: OK, fair enough and thanks. It was a gift from my boy-toy.

Kazzy: It really brings out the color of your eyes. Very nice!

ekg: You’re sweet!

Kazzy: It’s the truth! About your eyes, I mean.

ekg: Anyway…since it is widely speculated (and accepted) that Russ’ wife, Kate, was the reason for him deciding to not be a part (at least overtly) of the MD forums in large part because of the way that she was being “treated” by the posters there, do you think that editing out references to her will change that?

Kazzy: I don’t know. Any editing done will not be done to please Kate, though. Or Russ, for that matter. It will be done to keep posts inside of the TOS. The people that created the TOS are wise beyond human comprehension and are to be adored and worshiped (Kazzy repeats the finger kissing & pointing gesture). It is our job to carry out their wishes. Rudely insulting and abusing people just for the sake of doing so will get posts edited, though.

ekg: Do you ever see a time when the RAW and the FLUFFY can become one again?

Kazzy: Good question.

ekg: I thought so. That’s why I asked it. Would you care to answer it?

Kazzy: Of course.

ekg: (After a pause.) Would now be a good time for you to do that?

Kazzy: I believe so. (The food arrives.) Aaaah, snackies!

(At this point, I decide to try a different tack…)

ekg: Where do you think Russ will post more?

Kazzy: On Ask RRR, of course.

ekg: Another good point! However, when Russ starts talking smack about DRG, Bean, or Savannah in the Fluffy section…will you have the balls to edit/delete him?

Kazzy: Sometimes, it takes little courage to do the right thing. If Russ acts unacceptably in a forum, he will get his nose swatted, just like anybody else. Regardless of what forum it is. I do believe that he has been given vacations from MD a time or two, already, no?

ekg: Yes, he has. Speaking of which: Would you ban him if he continued with that kind of ’spidey’ behavior? B/c Russ is all about talking smack no matter what he says in his RRR…

Kazzy: As long as his particular “smack” stays within the TOS, no problem.

ekg: Do you have a key to the Super-Secret Board, where all the deleted posts and uber-elite go to play, yet?

Kazzy: Super-Secret Board??? What are you talking about? Hahahaha, Super-Secret Board. That’s just a myth. (Kazzy, right arm raised to mouth, begins to whisper into the sleeve.)

ekg: Are you skinny, hot Brittany or fat, slutty Brittany?

Kazzy: I’m right here, you tell me!

ekg: Do you post in your panties or just in the nude?

Kazzy: Usually, I post on my computer. HAhaha, a little joke, there! Actually, what I wear when I am posting depends…

ekg: On?

Kazzy: Several things.

(At this point, Kazzy looks up as two very large, trench-coated men approach our table. Each has a red armband with the letters SSB in black on them. Kazzy’s hand lifts slowly in a gesture of “It’s OK for now, but don’t go too far away…” The larger of two men whispers, “All units, stand down.” into his sleeve. They take a booth towards the front of the coffee house. One watching the street, the other surreptitiously watching us.)

ekg: Is that who I think it is….?

Kazzy: Best to not ask.

ekg: I understand.

Kazzy: Thanks.

ekg: Come on admit it…You really just want to have mad, sloppy sex with EE and you’re jealous b/c you can’t have him and that’s why you continually pwn him…right?

Kazzy: Well, gee, who DOESN’T want that? The problem is that after the 12-14 seconds are over, I’d be taking showers 18 hours a day for the next decade or so and my water bills would skyrocket as a result. So, I work out the frustration any way that I can. I’m sure you understand.

ekg: I do. And, finally…for the little kids out there that aspire to become a Troll when they grow up, is there any advice you can give them.

Kazzy: Well, first of all, stay in school. Especially if you go to Lake Brantley. There, you can learn many Troll attributes. I’ve really enjoyed meeting you, ekg. I’d really like to get together over coffee, sometime, that is, if you’d like that, too…

ekg is
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