The Harbinger

Dear Experts,

I have am addicted to World of Warcraft. Help me.

love,

Not-FuNoReally

I don’t really have any WoW experts on the Harbinger staff, cause we are all fully functioning adults and all. So, I had to look elsewhere. I was lucky to find the biggest WoW expert ever, Brillcock McPhereson. His answer follows:

Ah yes. If you reside in the mainstream there’s probably not, at least, one time that you haven’t heard a mention of, reference to, conversation about…”WoW.” That palindrome, that acronym that’s been taking every shut in, agoraphobic, albino, nosferatu and god damned mole person by storm!

“What’s WoW?”, someone from a completely different dimension may ask? It stands for, “World of Warcraft.” It’s an MMORPG game played by MILLIONS.

“What…the…FUCK…did you just say?”

Oh, my bad *ahem* MMORPG stands for: A massively (or massive) multiplayer online role-playing game. Feel better now?

“Yes, thank you.” No problem, YOU PUGCOCK PISSMONKEY!

I won’t bore you with details of the design process, musical scores or number of divorces over 5 years that went into the making of this online game. The “Proof is in the pudding” as they say and ooooohhhhhhhhh boy!…is there some evaporated milk in this mofo!

“What are you saying?” I WILL KILL YOUR CHILDREN, SHUT UP!

Let’s suffice it to say that MILLIONS of people play this game online. Tens of millions of dollars are put into the bank accounts of Blizzard Entertainment (who designed and created the game) each month by the fee’s charged to keep playing the game and keeping your character,…ALIVE!

“You’re make’in me a lil’ nervous” OOPS! What was that!? OH NO! There’s a FRESHLY CUT OFF BABY FINGER ON THE GROUND!

“Oh Jesus CHRIST! I’m sorry! Lil’ JOOOHHHNNNNYYYYYY!”

As if crafted by an arcane alchemist of old, WoW players seem unable to exist (for long) outside of the confines of the game once they’ve made that first character, killed their first monster, earned or gotten from a completed quest…their first gold piece. “Yeessssss…yes…my…precious.”

The overall concept was/is brilliant. WoW is (in all actuality) nothing more than a beefed up, imaged up, music’ed up version of other forebarers in the online roleplaying realm. WoW was in the right place, at the right time, technologically speaking. Hitting paydirt would be an understatement.

The online Role Playing concept is simple. You buy (or download) the game or game disc. You install it on your computer. You pay X amount to start playing the game. Once you’ve paid you get full access, this allows you to create a character, to your liking. NOW, you spend time leveling the character you’ve created, to get stronger, to use and get more powerful spells, better armor, weapons, travel to different lands within the game…on and on. HERE’S the BEEEEEUUUTIIIFFUUULLL hook. All of this takes time. Time invested is hard to shrug off, with most any pursuit. But…OH NO!

“What?!” I did that for effect, but what’s that I see? Is that a…DETATCHED FUCKIN BABY TOE?!

“OH GOD, OH GOD!…JOOHHHNNNYYYY TOOOEEEE!”

But…OH NO! These past 28, 29, 30 days are UP! and if you want to keep that character alive, you need to pay for ANOTHER 30 days!…and so on and so on. It sounds easy enough to walk away. “Eh, it was fun, but I’m not shelling out $14, fifteen bucks a month on this shit.” Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm…yes you will.

The game is so visually and musically pleasing, it so easily immerses you within a fantasy environment (that few dislike), that soon like a meth head, “so, I signed up for just ONE MORE month, big deal.” TO LATE MR. SCOTT BAKULA (I don’t think he plays, I just dig him) the NEVER…ENDING…CYCLE…BEGINS, MWAAAHAHAHAHAHA! God damn, my breath is all nasty ass cheesy torttellini.

As with anything that can be addicting, there’s no clear course of measures that one could enlist to stop. It, oft times, comes down to the individual. Are enough things affecting that individual (of a negative nature) to elicite change or a move towards change? Was grandma Hodges gagging on her own bile, because her breathing tube popped out, while you conquered a new dungeon enough to say, “oh shit” or are you still of the mindset, “JESUS CHRIST!…it’s always SOMETHING with her!” The “what if’s” are to dynamic and variable, per person, for a “set in stone” list of “to do’s” in order to push back from the keyboard.

Things aren’t ALL bad in WoW world. There are those that still don’t hiss at sunlight, call into work with some new form of temporary leukemia so they can grab a few more levels, get divorces because, “ummmm I THINK finishing this quest is just a tad bit MORE important than if we have *family time*…come watch daddy/mommy play!…DON’T FUCKIN TOUCH THE KEYBOARD!”

You wanna make some insane by-product money? Design a friggin singles website where WoW players can meet. CA-CHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Soooooo, I’m not getting where you helped anyone with this article, let alone were particularly insightful. I’m not trying to make you mad but is there any particular lesson, insight I should be walking away with here?” Rosemary and Mrs. Dash.

“What?” Rosemary and Mrs. Dash will taste so good…on your WIFE’S FUCKIN GUTTED UTERUS!

“JOOONNNHHYYY’S MOMMMYYY’S UTERUUUUSSSS…NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

md is
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